11 Ingredients for Happiness – What I realized on my 45th Birthday
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter Mark Twain
Have you been missing key ingredients for happiness?
Have you gone through a midlife crisis?
What is it like?
At what age did it happen?
Life expectancy is constantly going up, which means that a midlife crisis should happen at an older age. Or is age even relevant? Could it be that it is the point where you feel you have completed something great in your life and you are not sure what is next? Or is it the point when you freak out that time is running out and you are missing out on living life? Is this why men buy toys? What are the ingredients for happiness?
It is a shock for me that I am no longer 27. Mostly, I think I am 35. It is only when I reflect on all the experiences, love, things I’ve done, places I’ve lived in and people I met, that I realize I am actually 73.
Age really matters only if you know when you will die. Two people may freak out that they turned 40 or 50, but if one dies at 60 and one at 90, then the 40 or 50 are very different for each, relative to how much time they still have left.
Fear of death
Patanjali – a yoga sage – lists one of the mind afflictions (kleshas), as fear of death (Abhinivesha). What does this mean? It can mean many things. For example, I may feel that my self is vanishing as I grow older, and in order to maintain my self, I need to leave behind things that will make me immortal. Things like artwork, a book or a legacy. (Read this good book by Kundera) So this year, right on my birthday (June 8th – yep, a Gemini), The Yoga Lifestyle was published. Thank you Llewellyn publishers, for making my name just a bit immortal. Does it really matter? Well, what matters is that people read it and hopefully get something out of it.
Living your dream
I also bought land to start an ashram – Doron Yoga & Zen Center. Great, right? Well, of course, it was a dream, but dreams have a price. I am here, mostly on my own working on creating this place. Most people are at home working on their career and taking care of family, and me?
Well, still like a 27-year-old, living in a hostel, eating simply, wearing old shoes and pants that I bought at 27 (19 years ago!), working on my land. But it’s not creating my own little garden, or writing a blog post. This is much bigger than me working on my own. I am working with others that often barely speak Spanish, and other workers that sometimes understand what I want, and sometimes do things that seem to make no sense (from my perspective of course. I am sure it made sense to them to put the posts where they did, even if spacing was uneven.) What it means is that I have to let go of my perfectionism, and accept that it will not always be as I hope for it to be.
My neighbor told me as I bought the land, ‘building here will require all your yogi skills, mostly patience”. Indeed it has. And I am happy to say that after the first few days, I managed to surrender much of my perfectionism and move on, just doing the best that is possible in every situation. All else is a waste of time and energy.
The perfectionist
Those who know me, especially the women I had longer relationships with, know that I am very observant, and that’s not always a good thing. Mostly because I wanted things to be as perfect as can be, and of course they never are, so I see the good and the less good as well. Patanjali – the yoga sage – also says that most of our suffering is due to wanting things to be different than they are.
A good recipe for happiness is learning to accept things as they are, and to work on changing what can be changed with no attachment to the result. Getting stuck on wanting things to turn out exactly as I wish for them to be is a recipe for disappointment and suffering.
So here I am asking forgiveness from all those that I demanded too much from. This includes myself. I am still the crazy ambitious Doron, but I have softened and let go of much of it. For example, I practice more of Doron Yoga these days, and less of Ashtanga third series. This helps me keep a more sustainable practice.
So what have I learned at 45? 11 Key ingredients for happiness
1. Time flies; don’t wait ‘till you are retired to fulfill your dreams.
2. Your dreams may seem amazing, but in reality they may be very different.
3. Go for your dreams, and accept that everything is constantly changing, including your dreams and the way they will manifest.
4. Happiness is about the journey. Know where you are going, but enjoy the road to your dreams, as the present is the only dream that really exists – Focus on the road in front of you, not the destination.
5. Fear not your death. Once you die, all your dreams make no difference.
6. Study and act with no fear, as if you will live forever, but do not save yourself for the future, as it may never come.
7. The past is gone, regrets are useless, but the experiences of a life well lived are part of who you are today. Live fully, dance, laugh, play and celebrate.
8. Immerse yourself in nature. You will find the connection to the source.
9. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Your self is changing like everything else. You will simply be left behind.
10. Study, create, do the best that you can, but let go of the need for specific results.
11. Do nothing. Yes, it took me years to finally be able to sit and do nothing for a while. Not think, not read, not even meditate, simply do nothing. You will find your true self.
Please share a comment below with your birthday realizations, no matter what age you are. Share this article to friends who think they need a mid-life crisis! Let them be inspired!
Blissful Living,
Doron
Love your insights, thanks for sharing. And happy birthday (I have both a sister-in-law and a nephew with June 8th birthdays). I remember being a bit more introspective than usual (which is already a lot) when I turned 45, realizing that I had most likely passed the halfway point in my life. It was a big internal moment, but it wasn’t until my mother’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis when I was 53 that really helped me let go and embrace life. Since she is only 23 years older I got a solid sense of the possibility of only 23 more years. This helped me get busy breathing out my strong need to determine the future (think control freak) and breathing in the moment. My goals now are to spend more time connecting with others, more time in coffee shops daydreaming and to create balance as both a yoga student and teacher.
Thanks for sharing Heidi. Indeed, it is the idea how much is left that can create a greater need to live in the moment and really do what matters. I love the day dreaming in coffee shops, and congratulations on completing your Teacher Training!
Great article! I spend a great deal of effort planning for the future, and am enjoying the fruits of my labor from 5 and 10 years ago. In addition, I introduced a number of activities that are all about the moment (playing paino, bodyboarding, walks along the beach, spending time with family, …). I hope to live to 150+, but have no regrets if I die tomorrow. Accepting life as it comes and enjoying the process are great messages!
Thanks Gil. Indeed, the little moment of doing things for pleasure, like the piano or body boarding are amazing. The hard part is to stay present and joyful within the work frame, especially when it gets stressful. May you keep accepting things as they come.
Happy Birthday Doron!
Nice article with interesting self reflection and advice.
When I met you briefly at Esalen and enjoyed your vibrant yoga classes and warm and enthusiastic personality around 10 years ago, I was only in my early 50’s and that decade was a much “younger” time than I had imagined it might be.
So many adventures transpired – travel, yoga, dance, exploring sexuality and relationships in new ways for me. Then over 5 years in a sweet in many ways relationship with a 10 years younger man, and started my current favorite paid job giving medical advice to parents.
60 has been my “midlife crisis” or edgy road to becoming an elder perhaps. That relationship ended month before my birthday that year, I could see myself slowing down in energy, physical strength lessening, mental agility and speed not as they once were. I keep a careful calendar to help with remembering. I still dance frequently, practice yoga intermittently, and am often mistaken for younger than my years. The constant accepting of the many changes is an ongoing challenge. I am grateful for caffeine, a sense of humor, and many lovely friends and family. The inner sense of self does not age (6 years old? 12? 20? They are all there) – yet to deny that the body and mind age seems foolish. Watching the changes is interesting, and at times, alarming. Then, at some point, I have to burst out laughing.
Just re read Heidi’s comments on seeing her mother with Alzheimers. Yes, my mother at 87, more frail now but still managing living alone in her own apartment, is also a wake up call to where we are traveling.
From my perspective at 61, 45 is so young! And it is fine to get old. I would not want to live to 150 here. That just seems like fear of death to me. And death is just a doorway. – ah, there is a peace there that DID come in my 50’s. Yet, it is the ineffable so can’t really say it.
I enjoy your well thought out and presented instructional videos and always consider your workshops and classes. Hope one fits into my timeframe and finances some day soon.
BTW – my name was Heather when I met you and I was working as a kitchen wench on work scholarship. Yes, as I like to say – I have been Raven for years now. ;^)
Love and much joy to you Doron!
Hello Raven, how wonderful to read your perspective. It is always helpful to know of happy people at different ages. Every age has its beauty and challenge. My mom is 87 and rocking an rolling. Living on her own, she swims every day, goes for walks, and has many friends. She still travels – just returned from Sicily and goes to the theater. I can imagine that once my body and mind will not function as they do today, it will be an adjustment. Thanks again for sharing and for watching the videos. I do hope to see you in person at a yoga event soon. Love and joy to you as well!
I actually prefer to think of every day as a birthday. Every day is my choice to wake up and live my life fully. What does fully mean for me? It means I am living doing what brings me joy. Nature is at the top of my list. I love running, hiking, dancing and doing yoga within the trees or near the ocean where so many other living beings exist. It reminds me of how small I am, how interconnected I am to everything around me. I have never had an epiphany that suddenly I needed to stop being afraid or that I have not lived well. Honestly some days I am scared and question happiness, loss, existence. And other days, a smile and sense of freedom are enveloping me. That is why I like to take it day by day. Every morning is my chance to thrive. Thrive with compassion and passion. Thrive with forgiveness and openness. Thrive with the complete truth that everything is temporary. How I am today is for sure different than how I was yesterday and different from what I will be tomorrow. But my love for connection, yoga, family, friends, nature is important and so absolutely immersed with my joy of life. I am 33 years old and every day is vastly different. And I like that. I like that my perspective, my emotions, my movement are ever involving. I am ok with being scared sometimes because it keeps me curious and going after what slaps me in the face to stay present and happy. I love starting my days and ending my days with the chant I learned from you, “Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu” -May all beings everywhere be happy and free
Thanks for sharing Lauren. An inspiring way to live. Indeed, day by day is the way to go.I find I still plan for the future to some degree – building a center has to have future intention, yet life is happening day by day. Happy you know your priorities and you follow them. Being in nature, yoga and dancing are so healthy and healing.Lokah Samastah Sukhio Bhavanto. 🙂
I just turned 30 about a month ago, and it’s been a transition. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I can do whatever I want! No one can tell me how to live my life because it is my life. At the end of the day I am the one who will be living it, not my parents or anyone else. Before I turned 30 I quit my job and left my life back in New York. I’ve always known that you cannot wait until retirement to travel and do the things you love, because some of those things you will not be able to do at 65, and who says we even have tomorrow!? So I’ve been traveling/backpacking. Sometimes the uncertainty is scary and sometimes you are lonely. But always you meet amazing people and have intensely transformative experiences; it’s never boring. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, so it’s important to live right now. Thank you for this food for thought.
Happy belated Birthday Katherine! Please do keep living the present, and most importantly, do what you know is the right thing to do. Klishta and aklishta said patanjali – is your decision getting you closer to enlightenment? Is it good for you your friends and the entire world? If yes, then it does not matter what others say or think, your heart / gut knows best. Hugs.